Wednesday, 24 May 2017

daddy issues

daddy issues - we've all got 'em, right? right?

i was always daddy's little girl, the spoiled daughter who got what she wanted, when she wanted.
the first time he went to the states, i was only a baby and i still remember how hard i cried and wouldn't let him leave. my mom even still says that he's been in a lot of pain all the times he saw me hurt, but it means even less since he's also the one who's hurt me the most.

the image of him as my hero, as the one person in all the world who could do no wrong and hurt no one shattered around the time i hit 12 and it's falling apart more and more every day. it's hard for me to even think of him as a trustworthy family member because he's proved to be destructive and careless in all his relationships.

now, this isn't to say i blame him entirely for everything. i know the things that make him the way he is he has no control over. his persona right now is that was cemented throughout his childhood, and while i acknowledge that, i resent it. no matter what the reason, no family - no wife, daughter or son should be treated the way he treats us. all i can say for him is that he's never been physically abusive, aggressive maybe, but never abusive. no, all the abuse has been emotional.
he's known pretty much in the entire family as someone who's hard to live with, someone who's got an attitude, who isn't bothered about anyone, whose family does not love him enough to conceal his flaws - and he has many.

my whole life for the past year, perhaps, has become about escaping him and helping my mum escape him. someone with such emotional and mental trauma should never have kids, because he cannot be blamed for having issues, but he can most definitely be blamed for projecting that on his children.

maybe this post isn't very useful to anyone reading, maybe many of you are shaking your heads reading this, thinking that my generation don't respect our elders enough or whatever else. all i can say is, i cannot respect someone who has gone extraordinary lengths to disrespect my mother and i.
i don't think i can ever forgive or forget that and nor do i want to.
i hope one day we are at a point in our relationship where i can trust him again and learn to love him again, but that certainly isn't any time soon. first, i want him to regret what he's done and the person he's become. i want him to feel the hurt and the responsibility that i have. no person deserves to hurt anyone, however much, without paying the price.

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