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Thursday, 9 February 2017

seeking validation

ok so here i am. back again.
i'm not writing in capitals. i forgot what format i write in, oops.
anyway, let's talk about a thing: male validation.
i've realized that i look for male validation in most of the things i do, as well as looking for male attention. maybe it's just something that's been internalized in me but i am actively working to fix it.

never having been in a relationship - and this is me being very candid and vulnerable with you all - is crazy because it makes me work towards a goal that i've just idealized in my head as one of the best things that can happen to me. i realize, however, that it's not.
i'm also a person who likes to exercise my emotions, who loves playing with my emotions - i love to feel. i will look for that sensation in the attention these boys will give me, but no one's ever gotten too close.

i will say however, there's a person dangerously close to me, and uncomfortably far away, that wins and betrays my affections all too often. some days, seeing his name pop on my phone screen will make my stomach turn with delight and waiting for him to write back will drive my heart crazy. on other days, this same boy will mean nothing to me, he'll be just another nuisance, just another friend, just another nobody. but i will come back to him. my heart will come back to him at the end of a long day, pop up somewhere along a stream of thoughts. everything seems to begin and end with him.

and yet, it does not matter. i have to remind myself - he could be the best thing i ever did lay my eyes on, it does not mean he is the best thing for me, nor is he meant for me, nor do i need him.

it's taking some time, but i'm working on it.

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