Saturday, 18 February 2017

a solo adventure

i wanted to yell "i love you, i love you, i love you." even if i don't know what that means. even if the words are as meaningless as the passing fillers of small talk. "i love you."

and maybe you always love the people you love, and maybe they always have a part of you and a part of them you'll never let go, even if it's hurtful, even if it's painful, even if it's imperfect because at least... at least it's better than letting go.

i wanted to say i love you because i've spent too much time not saying it and too much time waiting to. i don't know what it means, i don't know if the damned time zones will ever stop working against us or if we'll ever be in the same place at the same time long enough to know how it feels to be wholly yours, to have you wholly mine. and i know, people can never belong to other people, but holy shit, if god could only make you mine.

i heard somewhere that there's always something unspoken between two people, and i wonder if the gap between us is the unspoken, because we speak enough but all i hear is "not now, not yet, just wait."

i can't kill the aching, i can't kill the homesickness, i can't kill the questions - "what if, what if, what if?"

only god can help me now.

Thursday, 9 February 2017

seeking validation

ok so here i am. back again.
i'm not writing in capitals. i forgot what format i write in, oops.
anyway, let's talk about a thing: male validation.
i've realized that i look for male validation in most of the things i do, as well as looking for male attention. maybe it's just something that's been internalized in me but i am actively working to fix it.

never having been in a relationship - and this is me being very candid and vulnerable with you all - is crazy because it makes me work towards a goal that i've just idealized in my head as one of the best things that can happen to me. i realize, however, that it's not.
i'm also a person who likes to exercise my emotions, who loves playing with my emotions - i love to feel. i will look for that sensation in the attention these boys will give me, but no one's ever gotten too close.

i will say however, there's a person dangerously close to me, and uncomfortably far away, that wins and betrays my affections all too often. some days, seeing his name pop on my phone screen will make my stomach turn with delight and waiting for him to write back will drive my heart crazy. on other days, this same boy will mean nothing to me, he'll be just another nuisance, just another friend, just another nobody. but i will come back to him. my heart will come back to him at the end of a long day, pop up somewhere along a stream of thoughts. everything seems to begin and end with him.

and yet, it does not matter. i have to remind myself - he could be the best thing i ever did lay my eyes on, it does not mean he is the best thing for me, nor is he meant for me, nor do i need him.

it's taking some time, but i'm working on it.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

yet another comeback

Can you guys believe Blogger's still a thing because I forgot for a bit. 
I'm not going to say the ever so cliched words "I'm back", rather here's a post - savor it as long as it lasts, I don't know if I'll keep coming back.

I didn't post at all last year so I'll start off by updating you on the few significant changes in my life:

I finished my IGCSE's and I guess I did fine. I don't know.

I'm 17 now and 10 months away from being legal (because apparently I was illegal this whole time).

I started A-levels privately, meaning I'm not going to school.

It's come close to the time I need to decide what I want to do with my life (yuck) and where I want to study and to be honest I haven't got a clue. I've met so many people in the past few months who've got everything planned out, what they want to study, where they want to study, how they plan to get there and I'm really just winging it.
Here's the thing, I might not entirely mind going into media and journalism, so I'm making an attempt to come back to this blog to advertise my skills (?) and create a portfolio. I don't know, as I said, I'm just winging it.
Another interesting thing is - I made some YouTube videos to add another experience in my many online adventures, if you can call them that. Give it a look.



Take care, guys, and feel free to leave some love in the comments. I'll be back soon.