Saturday, 23 November 2013

A letter to my "best friend"

Dear friend,

We became friends because you wanted to 'help' me. I didn't want helping. I didn't want saving. I was the saviour. The saviour doesn't need saving.
I was broken and lost and waiting to be found, and yes, you, by all means, found me.
But you made me admit something was wrong. You made me a victim. You made me a slave to my misery which I had chosen to ignore before.
Depression isn't something you can cure with an "I love you," and an, "It'll be okay."
This depression makes me an outsider, an outcast, a loner, a nobody, a freak.
Depression isn't something you can make me feel guilty about.
I have zero control over myself.
And you thinking that you could change the way I feel is utter bullshit.
Me opening up to you is utter bullshit, because at the end of the day, what do you know about dealing with a suicidal friend? About as much as I know about being depressed. And I know zilch.
I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to push you away.
I've dealt with a difficult friend, too. I admit, I was not always there to save her, but I never pushed her off the edge.
Lately, I don't know which side you're on.
I don't know what you want.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I never wanted you to hurt me either.
I opened up to you, and I hate myself for it because I expected you to understand, but you didn't. You're just a good listener.
You are so beyond stupid it frustrates me because I just don't even understand how somebody could be this fucking daft. You write poetry about great big things - love, desire, prejudice, lust, hope, longing, life - but you understand none of it. You know how to string words together to make them sound beautiful but you do not understand these feelings. You've never seemed more fake to me.
All you've ever made me was not okay.
Come and visit me sometime on this side of the bridge. We'll talk then.
But for now, I am done, 'friend'.
I am done.


Aiza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aiza said...

One thing about depression is that people will never, ever get it, not if they've no idea how painful it is. Pray, even if you feel like it's useless.