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Wednesday, 26 June 2013

I go through phases. Somedays I feel like the person I’m supposed to be, and then somedays, I turn into no one at all. There is both me and my silhouette. I hope that on the days you find me and all I am are darkened lines, you still are willing to be near me.
  
— Mary Kate Teske

heaven is a place on earth


i really, really just want to see this for real. 

Friday, 21 June 2013

smile for me, darling.

i'm smiling like a retard typing this for no reason at all.
i'm happy. a strange kind of happy, really.
but i'm sleepy. and i'm listening to my favourite kind of music.
i met this friend of mine after a long time today, since she's back in Karachi, YAY.
i'm so happy about that. it was so much fun catching up with her. we haven't changed one bit.
and i really don't know, it's a carefree kinda time of night and state of mind.
right after i came home from my friend's house, i took a shower, a cold shower with music on, and boy, was that fun. after the shower, i ate a leftover samosa, watched the remaining bit of The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants 2, and went off to sleep.
it was great. it happened after a long time, i don't know if that sounds weird. but i just went off to sleep. the right kind of sleep when i was so deep asleep nothing else mattered, and i was half-dead and pretty damn comfortable.
so, my point, i guess, is that i'll be fine... maybe not all the time, but i'll be okay. and that makes me happy. which is why okay is great.

Thursday, 20 June 2013

stay

i don't know if i should be writing this post... i don't know if what i feel is even real, if it actually makes sense what i feel.
i feel trapped. and i don't mean like i can't go where i want to, or i want to travel. i'm just scared there's too much out there in the world i won't ever get to see. too much out there i won't get to experience. that scares me. i want to see so much. i want to do so much.
i want to travel, i want to learn different languages, i want to meet people, walk in barren lands, read long forgotten books, live in old houses, eat crazy types of food i'd never imagine eating, walk up to a random stranger and tell them i like the book they're reading, or the way they've put up their hair, anything.
i want to really discover the world. that scares me, really.
i want to know what life is... what living it's like.
and i'm not sure what scares me more, the fact that i can do that or the fact that i might never be able to.

i've wondered a lot of things for a long time... and one of them being, if someday, when i get married, my in-laws treat me bad, what's my dad going to do? is he going to care? is he going to let them treat me like shit? or is he going to take me back home with him? i don't know if i should be thinking about all this... but it means so much.

and i don't really know how to deal with so many feelings at the moment. i just don't. and the fact that i can't tell anybody who'll actually understand is frightening.

and i don't really know if there's anything left to say

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

On truth's path, wise is mad, insane is wise.
In love's way, self and other are the same.

--Rumi

Where have you been

I've been trying to bond with my sister recently. She's been cranky and impatient, and well, I figured she could use a friend.
So, tonight, while we were in bed, waiting for slumber to take over, I asked her to tell me a story. After hearing her story, I contributed to this bonding session by saying, 'Close your eyes. Imagine you're in the place that makes you happiest. The place you like best.'
I pictured myself in New York. Devouring lonely libraries, walking across busy streets and just feeling the beauty of being alone; of seeing people, but not having to be one of them.
After a while in our happy place, my sister asked me where I imagined myself, I told her where I'd been, she told me she saw herself in her own house. That's all she said, that she saw herself in a house of her own.
I thought that was the cutest thing ever. She wants a home, she wants a family. She wants to be around people she loves and she wants to show them how much she loves them.
How different we are, don't you think? One sister finding happiness away from people, and the other, with.
But I guess, that says a lot about me... And her.
Or maybe I just gave it too much thought. I am good at that.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

because i'm his sister

Basically, last night, I was in  a pathetic mood when my cousin added up to it by saying I really need to start being good to myself. That angered me more, and I asked him, 'Why do you even care?'
'Umm... because you're my sister, I care even if I don't want to.'

When I recalled this conversation from last night, I can't even begin to explain how happy it made me.
The fact that he's there, you know? The fact that he's my brother, he'll always be there to pick me up if I fall down. He can be the biggest of douche-bags at times, but if I'm writing a blog post about him, he definitely matters.
And I'm glad he does. And I'm glad I matter to him, because I'm his sister. 

Friday, 14 June 2013

thank you

when your little girl
asks you if she’s pretty
your heart will drop like a wineglass
on the hardwood floor
part of you will want to say
of course you are, don’t ever question it
and the other part
the part that is clawing at
you 
will want to grab her by her shoulders
look straight into the wells of
her eyes until they echo back to you
and say
you do not have to be if you don’t want to
it is not your job
both with feel right
one will feel better
she will only understand the first
when she wants to cut her hair off
or wear her brother’s clothes
you will feel the words in your
mouth like marbles
you do not have to be pretty if you don’t want to
it is not your job
— it is not your job | Caitlyn Siehl
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