Tuesday, 26 March 2013

save me.

i'm scared. i don't know how i feel. i mean, i feel terrible, but i've totally zoned out on normality tonight. i feel numb. 
terrible and numb? does that make sense?
i'm just sick of all the shit going on in my life. nothing makes me want to go on, or to think it won't be that bad.
the only reason i haven't completely broken down is because i've done it too much and these damn anti-depressants need to work, which i guess they're doing their bit.
i'm done feeling the way i do. but i'm stuck. and it's scary where i am.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Don't let go now

It's hard letting go, isn't it? 
I of all people would know that. 

But what if it's letting go of that bit of remainder that still makes you normal? What if it's letting go all the pain and hurt of all past days? 
I would never cut. I would never commit suicide.
I would runaway.

I don't see the point in holding on anymore. 
I'm not running away, though. I'm fine. I smile, joke, laugh with everybody else, but I don't feel like one of them. I hate not feeling like them because they're so closely involved and... why am I left out? 

But when I start acting like them, I hate myself for it, I feel like I'm becoming a clone when that happens. 

The point is, I'm fine. I'm not doing anything normal people don't do, I'm not not doing anything normal people do do. 
I'm just weird. I just feel incomplete.
Sorry for getting y'all depressed with this post. 


Thursday, 14 March 2013

do i really need them

One of the worst things about depression is wanting people to care when you can't make them. You can sit all day, all night, and all the days and nights that follow and wait for somebody to come along and tell you that they care, but you cannot make somebody care. That's just how life is.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Taken all over me

You know what happened yesterday? I'll tell you what.

  1. I came home at 2.30
  2. Took a shower
  3. Had lunch
  4. Left home at 4.30
  5. Went for tuition
  6. Left at 6.30
  7. Went to pick my dad up
  8. Waited at his office for half an hour
  9. Came back home at 8
  10. Made pamphlets for these stalls we're putting up at school
  11. Got screamed at by my parents because I'm an ungrateful brat
  12. Left to get them printed at 9
  13. Spent 20 minutes arguing about the format I wanted the thing to be printed in
  14. Waited 30 minutes in the market, hanging around in various shops until the dude was done printing the pamphlets.
  15. Came home at 10.15
  16. Freaked out about my life being a mess and thought about how effing tired I was
I'm not sure if I'm unhappy, or just overwhelmed. Unhappy... wow. This word is starting to define my existence.

I like routine. I like having things to do. What I don't like, however, is being driven crazy and wanting to die, because I've never wanted to die. Ever. And now I've lost it enough. Just enough.