Wednesday, 26 December 2012

I don't really even have that much to say.

Maybe every year at this time, since two years ago, my heart aches for somebody who let me go. Or maybe we let her go. Even the smallest of things has the greatest of impression on my mind, like a glimpse of her in old photos reminds me of how she sat, joking and smiling, hiding all the pain inside, for our sake.
Did she ever really know how much things would change after she left? Did she ever really know how her soul was connected to ours?
Her old clothes, the things she left behind, ring with her scent and I quiver to even think that once they touched her skin.  
Thinking about all she did, all she said, all she experienced, I wonder, would she have wanted to do more? Would it really make a difference, to her or to us?
What if she was here? What if she was alive? Would we have gotten this far, emotionally?
Things have changed too much. And I don't know if that's good or bad.
That's that.

Maybe I do have a lot to say...

Saturday, 22 December 2012

The many offsprings of faith

I've been at a point in my 'religious journey' where I know what's right, I know how religion, faith, belief and worship work, its just I'm not too great at doing what's right.
That sounds so weird. 
But the thing is, I know what's right, its just that I'm lazy and that... I'm a kid.
But that's not how it works, does it?
This problem has been getting to me for awhile, like when I missed my prayer and I only pray Ishaa salah, which is the night prayer (that's the last one in the whole day).
Thing is, I read this hadith...

"If you survive till the evening, do not expect to be alive in the morning, and if you survive till the morning, do not expect to be alive in the evening, and take from your health for your sickness, and (take) from your life for your death." (Sahih Bukhari)

And that's why, when I don't pray, I feel bad. I think about not wearing the hijab, I feel bad. 
You get the idea.
I talked to my mom about this last night and she said: 'The pain that you feel for not doing what you know is right, that's the light. That's the faith. Not that not praying is right, and sometimes you just have to push yourself, but don't believe you're a bad Muslim. That's not for you to decide.'
That made me feel better, but not... great. My mom saw the look on my face and then said 'The Prophet was 40 when he was called to Prophethood. Even a person like him had to be given time until he was taken as prophet.'

And that made all the difference.


Friday, 30 November 2012

Poem: Savage.

The bitter taste of utter reality
Knocks me out of my senses;
The vile taste of lies 
Triggers my sanity.
And now I don't know,
Where to see, where to go,
What to hear, what to let go.

I sing myself to sleep,
Sing myself numb tears,
I sing to me,
With nothing more to hear,
He hears, He hears all.
Then why has He changed nothing for me?

So many answers,
But none do I want to believe.
I just have to go on.
Glide and slide on
The only bit of moisture I can find.
Trying to move on
Just because I have to.
Maybe I'll be left alone
On this terrible, long journey.
God knows when it'll end.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

“Turn away from your worries,
And entrust your affairs to the Decree.
Rejoice at the good which will soon be,
You will then forget what has gone by.
Perhaps an issue which upsets you,
Holds at its end what will gladden you.
Perhaps the road will constrict,
And perhaps the Decree will then expand.
Indeed Allah does what He wishes,
So never be the one who turns away (from Him).
Allah is your beautiful source of strength,
So determine things by what has elapsed…”
— Safi al-Din al-Hali